Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I will be naked everywhere
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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