My underwear smells like fireworks.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
