that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
