you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
