How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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