based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
