Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
