Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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