I accidentally had phone sex last night
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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