Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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