dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
