Sry I called you an 8
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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