3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
