The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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