Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
