Have you finally orgasmed yet?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
