Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
