i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
