one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
