He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
