if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
