my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Shame is for Republicans.
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