So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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