i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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