sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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