exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
