Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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