you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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