put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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