Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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