i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
