Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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