Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
