Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
