Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm getting married
To pizza
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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