4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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