Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
