Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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