I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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