Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
did i walk over a car last night?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
