girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
