The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
