How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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