WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You can't just leave with hair like that
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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