What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
