I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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