I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
