Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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