god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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