and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
