Yo dont text me then not text me
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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