Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
